Be A Better Sister
April 23rd, 2007A close relationship makes you happier and healthier, so let the bonding begin!I probably have more intimate conversations with my hairstylist than I do with my two sisters. We weren’t close as kids, so I never expected much from them emotionally-until I gave birth to my first child. Facing th
A close relationship makes you happier and healthier, so let the bonding begin!
I probably have more intimate conversations with my hairstylist than I do with my two sisters. We weren’t close as kids, so I never expected much from them emotionally-until I gave birth to my first child. Facing the enormous challenges of motherhood, I yearned for their love and support. But I didn’t know how to reach out.
I’m not alone. Millions of American adults don’t get along with a brother or sister, according to the National Survey of Families and Households. This is unfortunate, especially since these connections are potentially the strongest and longest-lasting of all family bonds. “Those with good sibling relationships tend to be happier and more positive, with a better sense of overall well-being,” says Paula Avioli, Ph.D., assistant psychology chair at Kean University in New Jersey. They may also be more likely to have close friendships later in life. That’s because they’ve learned how to be intimate and are less likely to have unresolved family issues that can taint dealings with colleagues, family, friends and lovers, explains Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., author of the forthcoming Why Can’t We Get Along? Healing Adult Sibling Relationships.
Whether you’ve got unresolved conflicts or would just like to be closer, these six strategies will help you smooth over any rough spots and pave the way to a rewarding relationship.
REVISIT HER PAST
Depending on your family position (as the youngest, who was bullied, perhaps, or the oldest, who had to babysit), you and your sister’s “stories” may be very different, explains Marjory Levitt, Ph.D., coauthor of Sibling Revelry: 8 Steps to Successful Adult Sibling Relationships. These perspectives continue to shape your relationship.
To launch a discussion of early memories, draw a picture of your childhood home and ask your sister to do the same. Comparing sketches can be an eye-opener, says Levitt. “I remember two sisters in particular: One drew the front of the house while the other drew the back. They had occupied different worlds.” Listen to your sister’s story without “correcting” it. The idea is to gain insight into each other’s childhood, which is key to understanding-and accepting-one another.
RELINQUISH ROLES
As children we’re often cast in rolesbaby, caretaker, rebel-that later prevent us from relating as equals. “I was still treating my sister as if she was 5,” says Peggy, 34. “When I started treating her like an adult, we were finally able to talk about her troubled marriage, my commitment phobiathings we had never discussed before.”
To view your sister afresh, try to see competence in “the baby” or responsibility in “the rebel,” says Levitt. And relinquish your own role: If you’re the caretaker, for example, stop giving unsolicited advice. Soon you will see each other as multidimensional, improving your ability to relate.
OPEN UP
It’s never too late to open the lines of communication, says Goldenthal. But to avoid potential hurt, test the waters before spilling your deepest emotions. “Relate something only semipersonaldoubts about a job. for example,” Goldenthal advises. Ask your sister’s advice: “What would you do if your boss…?” This will help you develop a rapport in which you’ll feel safe broaching more sensitive topics.
CONFRONT OLD RIVALRIES
Sibling rivalry can teach us to handle conflict and push us to achieve. But when it’s fueled by jealousy or animosity, it can be devastating. While it has many causes-competition for friends, dates or grades-family experts agree that the most common trigger is parental favoritism (whether real or perceived).
Confront the issue head-on, says Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, Ph.D., who has studied the subject of siblings. Tell your sister that you’re tired of the tension and would like to talk things over. Explain how you feel without making accusations, and listen without interrupting when it’s her turn to talk. “If you air your hurts, there’s a good chance you’ll find they’re based on misunderstanding,” says Bedford. Realizing how much of the rivalry was actually in your head will help you move beyond it.
ACCEPT HER FLAWS
You can’t make your sister more considerate, less selfish or a better listener, says Goldenthal. “But you can change your behavior to help minimize friction in the relationship.” For example, if your blood pressure rises just thinking about your sister showing up at the next family picnic empty-handed, you’re setting yourself up to be irritated. Prevent the conflict altogether by calling ahead and asking if she’d mind bringing a side dish or dessert. You’ll avoid disappointment and preserve good will.
REPAIR OLD RIFTS
Damaged sibling relationships can be difficult to mend, but experts agree it’s almost always worth a try. The trick is to tread lightly. Calling an estranged sibling or just showing up on her doorstep may be perceived as an ambush, says Goldenthal, who recommends writing a letter instead. “Note that it’s been a long time, that you’d really like to see her and that anytime she has any interest, you’ll be there. That way, you open the door to a warmer relationship without putting yourself at risk of outright rejection.”
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